You don’t get it” “no one understands” “he’s so manipulative” “he’s such a charmer” “somehow he always manages to turn things around to make it look like I’M the crazy one”
No one gets it or takes the time to see him for who he really is. He’s so manipulative. I don’t understand how he is able to fool everyone he meets. He always finds a way to turn things around and make it look like I’m the crazy one. He doesn’t even want the kids full time, he just wants to hurt me by “winning” in court. I am so scared for my children. I am desperate. I just need him exposed. I need the judge to understand who he’s actually dealing with. I need someone who understands, who can help me make this right for my kids. They WON’T Be okay if they end up with him full time. Please help me…
Some of the most frequent comments I hear as a Child Custody Litigation Consultant/Forensic Psychologist.
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I don't see where the expert weighed 8n, but I'm going through that exact situation and could really use some information
Am I missing something here? I'm sure it's right in front of me so sorry to ask for help for clarity because I hide things from myself constantly and have a hard time seeing things right in front of myface. is there no story or a link I am missing here? I have been enjoying your site and have been eagerly awaiting this article specifically in hopes to learn about
capitalizing on the custody evaluation and exposing the narcissist
I happened upon this link in my lovely anxiety driven rabbit hole I find myself in from time to time. I'm currently in year 4 of high conflict custody case with my narcissist ex that ended in domestic violence.
In reading those statements, my brain instantly went to "omg someone gets it, this is how I feel" hoping the almighty Google Box would provide me with the magic answer to resolve all my problems.
But I recognized I'm reacting in my fear response, obviously still triggered from PTSD/anxiety of not so great coparenting events this past weekend.
If you are here looking for your magical answer, STOP. BREATHE. big hefty belly breaths.
Recognize that you love your children fiercely, and you are a great parent! Your feeling and opinions are valid. But they are also subjective. Let's break down the above.
Let's start with the first part of this narrative. They are charming, manipulative, no one sees them for who they are. -- could your ex possibly be feeling the same? Our opinions of people are born of our own perceptions. Opinions are not facts. Recognize that they very well could be narcissists or psychologically unstable. But what goal will this accomplish? Are your goals to restrict parenting time in fear of what could be done? Seek counseling, parenting support groups, family therapy. Find ways to give your children tools to handle it. Because guess what? Those people exist in the outside world past the doors of your and your ex's home.
Let's reframe for a moment. Your children could be shot at school. Do you prevent them from attending? Your child could develop cancer, do you regulate their diet and put them in a bubble? Your teen could get in a car accident, do you prevent them from the joys of newfound independence in getting their license? "Why no! That's silly to do so!" --- let that sink in a minute.
"THEY DONT CARE AND ONLY WANT KIDS TO REDUCE CHILD SUPPORT, HURT ME, INSERT OTHER OPINIONS" --- you might be right!!! But how do your kids feel? I'm sure you've shielded your children as much as possible and they think the world and love the other parent. Let them have that! Our goal is them, keep your focus there. Every resource you find online shows the immense benefit of having both parents, foster that as long as you can. As your children grow they may or may not come to your opinions themselves. Only time will tell. Avoid the knee jerk reaction to defend yourself, I know I'm the pot calling kettle black here, but baby steps.
MY KIDS WONT BE OK!- YES THEY WILL! why? How can I be that confident in response? Because you raised them. Trust you're doing a great job! Teach them healthy boundaries, be the example of how to handle conflict, learning red flags and building self confidence and awareness. Its natural for us to fear for our kids. As my eldest have grown to adulthood, I worried everyday. But each day I see them make great choices, learn from the not so great, and ground myself in those moments where I see they are safe and happy. I see my impact in parenting each day, you will too. With practice and focusing on the positives each day, it'll become easier to trust they are ok.
You can't protect them from the world. I know you want to. But stop this spiral, and remind yourself you're doing a great job and no one can take that away from you.
If you are in a high conflict case like I am and came to this in desperation and fear, step away from the internet for a bit. Look inward on what you are doing each day, and be proud and trust that you are giving your children all the tools necessary to survive whatever this world may throw at them, to include your ex.
My heart goes out to you and lots of positive energy your way! Now I'm going to take my own advise, stop fueling this train of thought, and giving the Google box a rest for the day :)
Samantha! This is a wonderful response that will help so many of our readers. Thank you for sharing your experience and bits of knowledge you have learned along the way. I am sorry to hear you are going through this in your life, and I absolutely do understand and "get it" in more than one way. Please reach out if I can help at some point in time.
Sincerely,
Kristin Tolbert, Psy.D.